I’ve been finding it hard to be consistent with my blog posts recently. To be honest, it’s become a drag. It’s extra time away from my creative writing and what with working all week, time is precious. I’ve given it a good go. I’ve kept it up for half a year. At first it was a like an assignment, as if I had to write an essay every week. I’ve studied for over 10 years of my adult life, so approaching it like that was easy. I just put on my studious head and did it. At first it took the whole week, but then later it mellowed out and became something that only took a day. But seeing as I only get two whole days off work each week, that was still a really big time commitment. So, recently I have let it go. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? At the moment I’m not sure.
Part of my answer will come down to why I even have this blog. Firstly the purpose of this site was to show I could maintain a media presence. All the books on writing tell you to do that if you want to be published. But in reality if I’m not creating new work, or working on polishing the already created work, then I’m not going to get published anyhow. So what’s the point?
Over the past six months, the most useful purpose of this blog has been that I check in with myself weekly. And when I say myself I do mean my writing self. My blogs so far, clearly show my how I worked with different strategies to establish a healthy working process that has made writing a part of my life again. That’s been really useful. The weekly deadline gave me the accountability to sit down every week and keep myself updated. But I always felt like there was something missing. The blogs felt like work and not like me.
The thing I’ve been missing in my blogs are all the other stuff that goes on in my life. At first I did make a conscious decision not to mention my real life. I sometimes mention it in passing, but to be honest, without any real me in them, these blogs are boring! There’s so much I could have written about too. I could have explored all the emotional and deeply people-based stuff that has happened since I split up with my dear wife. I could have written about what a pain in the ass it is learning to drive after being a cyclist for 25 year, how I had to rearrange my head. I could have discussed the strangeness of living in the suburbs, my bloody neighbours and the strange incidence of the dog in the night! (Seriously for real- not the book!) Or my utter happiness at moving back into the city, right down the road from where I lived before. My favourite part of town. I could write for ages about the stuff I have learnt in the past month about cars. It’s been like a mini crash course (pun intended). I know about cam belts, drive belts, head gaskets, radiator overflows and the problem with rust and how to detect it. I could write several pages on the lies people tell when selling used cars and how I found these massive fibs out and how I have nearly bought (but avoided) three lemons, so far, in my car-hunting project. But I keep all that stuff elsewhere. But should I put it here? Is that part of being a writer too? Of course it is. My life and loves, changes and evolution are all massive parts of my writing. Life is writing. Writing reflects life. I mean, some of the stories I wrote during my break up were hilariously brutal, others sweet and full of exploration and fun. Life does have an impact. And with the context behind the tales, they’re so funny.
But either way, whether I talk more about my life as a witchy dyke in 21st century Aoteareoa, or whether I just write about my creative process, the question still comes back to purpose. Why am I posting these blogs?
Truthfully, I don’t know. I suppose on one level I thought they would matter and help other people get through their blocks and understand their creative process, but in reality that feels way too much like my day job-which is actually that! Plus some other stuff, but either way it comes down to learning support. Then I worry that if I write about me then my students will see. But if they’re actually reading this then, well I hope they’re enjoying it and I hope they’re also getting on with their own work! (And remember, reading this doesn’t count as work, unless you can evidence you’ve learnt something!) So? So what am I doing? I think I’ll suck it and see. That’s been a useful attitude in my life. It’s got me to where I am today- confused about my blog but happy in my life.
What I do know is I don’t want to restrict myself by ‘having’ to write a blog. This has been part of my reluctance too: it became like a chore and a rule. I’m not good with rules (even my own! Hence ‘ex’-wife! Lol!). What I also know is I don’t want this to feel like work. If it feels like work then it has no soul and I like soul. I love all that kind of grungy deep spiritual reality shit. So much of my writing is about that: How we twist and fuck and grind with each other, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. So maybe that is the answer, this will become a place where I review what’s been going on each week- with my writing, with my life, with me. I think that suits who I am. And if not I’ll keep making it up as I go along. Surely that’s being a writer too.
As for sharing my innermost secrets, I’ve been in a stink with that too. I spoke to my work. They don’t mind what I write, as long as I don’t write about them. And as for my students, they’re all adults and there really are disclaimers on this site that say ‘for adults only’. And to be honest, I’m fairly open about who I am anyway. I find it really hard to keep my mouth shut and keep my opinions, learning, and life choices to myself. Plus I’ve got one of those faces which reveals exactly what I’m thinking, so this blog should reflect that too. But like I said, I’ll suck it and see. That’s the best way.
Peace and love. Dane xx